I was born naked and toothless in Belarus a long time ago. At the age of 8, my grandma showed me how animal babies are made, and it changed my life forever. It didn’t make me a vegetarian, but at the age of 11, I joined the security services.

Almost 23 years ago, I was surprised that America would let me in. I won an immigration visa on the Russian version of The Price is Right. I guessed the correct price of a 1968 Lada was ‘not much.’ The following day, my husband and three children boarded a US military flight to Seattle. I am not sure the pilot is still alive.

I like America. Many Russian people and I can shop online 24/7. And lots of peoples wear flat shoes. I don’t have to feel embarrassed putting my large plantation feet in sandals that even Gandhi would reject.

I make many friends and I win almost every fight. Just ask any Swede, and they will tell you: don’t fuck with the Russians.