I was born naked and toothless in Belarus the long time ago. At the age of 8, my grandma showed me how animal babies are made, and it changed my life forever. It didn’t make me a vegetarian, but at the age of 11, I joined the security services. Because I like uniform.

Almost 25 years ago, I was surprised that America would let me in. I won an immigration visa on the Russian version of The Price is Right. I guessed the correct price of a 1968 Lada was ‘not much.’ The following day, my husband and three children boarded a US military flight to Seattle. I am not sure the pilot is still alive.

I like America. Many Russian people and I can shop online 24/7. Only Amazon warehouse has many more things than my closet. And lots of peoples wear flat shoes. I don’t have to feel embarrassed putting my large plantation feet in sandals that even Gandhi would reject.

I make many friends, and I win almost every argument. Just ask any Swede, and they will tell you: don’t fuck with the Russians.